DIY- a-day: a search for a meaningful life

Sorry for the long silence, reader. Apparently, this  brutal Ohio winter has numbed both my brain, and typing skills.

 

Lately, I have felt like I am not the most contributing member of society. Or, let me rephrase that, I have felt that I am not contributing to my corner of the world. I know it may sound harsh, or self deprecating, but pragmatism while being one of my strongest qualities (at least in job interviews) will also be my downfall one day.

 

 Inspired by a dear friend and amazing artist, I recently started a new project in which I create something tangible every day. Let's get one thing straight, I am no talented artist, so I went a different route and decided to crochet one piece every night after work. Who knew that crocheting a pair of hand warmers could bring on the best sleep I have had in months?

It all started with a sense of restlessness mixed with a bad case of winter blues. My typical evening consists of changing to one of my many pairs of grey sweatpants, making up a plate of food (almost always including Black bean and quinoa chips from Trader Joes), and numb my brain with reruns on Netflix. Not a bad evening, if you ask me; the only problem is when it happened every.single.night.

I am learning a lot about myself through this seemingly simple project. I am realizing for instance, that I have a tendency to get ahead of myself too quickly. I have not touched a crochet hook in months, if not a couple of years, and after a successful first project, I decided to tackle a really difficult one, you know, just because. I failed miserably! I am not still not sure what I was trying to create, apparently a shrinking hat... Bless my poor little heart, I kept trying, but got nowhere. So, I gave up for that day and watched TV instead.

 

The thing is, just like in life, you can rarely tell what you are about to face or tackle, until you are in the middle of it. When it comes down to it, you can chose to stop and start over to try to do it right;  you can go on and create a messy, yet beautiful piece, or give up altogether. In a last stubborn effort, I picked up my crochet hook again, and used the same pattern to create a different piece this time, "Law and order" be damned!

 

 

eed

 

Bad days

We all have them. I had one today. I could not wait for today to end. I kept looking at the clock waiting for 5:30 PM, and it could not come fast enough. Supposedly, time goes by faster when you are busy. Not today...today crawled slower than a snail on its way to a French restaurant.

When 5:30 finally came, a missed voicemail reminded me of the silver lining. Good news can change the tone of the day and put a smile to your face. Trust me on this one. The voicemail was to announce a small victory, but it meant more to me. It meant the revival of a dream, the affirmation of a my voice, the renewal of my new path.

So, if you are having a bad day today, remember, you too will get a voicemail, a text, an email, a cup of coffee with a dear one... if only to remind you that tomorrow will be better.

Cheers!

eed

Changes: also known as "Details in the fabric"

This past year has been a little more eventful than I typically like, mainly because I micro manage details of my life by managing my reactions to them. External factors are unavoidable, but my reaction to them are my own. Some might call it just another version of the "positive thinking" movement, but it is a little different. I know, I know, you are probably thinking that this is a brilliant way to look at life, but there is a downside to this approach: mainly that my reactions are usually tailored to the people around me: I am an expert at pretending to be fine.

The more I convince myself that I am fine, the easier it becomes to be fine when asked. But as I mentioned earlier, this past year, things have not been too fine. My reactions to these events have constituted mostly of denial, frustration and wine consumption (which is an acceptable reaction to ANY situation). Looking back, I wonder how things would have been different if I had acted sooner. When I finally did, I was not ready for the changes that would come along with my decisions, I just knew they meant I was doing the right thing.

 

Don't get me wrong, I am not scared of changes, I am mostly scared of what they bring... there is a subtle distinction there. I like to call this distinction: "details in the fabric" after one of my favorite songs. The details in the fabric remind me of everything that could possibly go wrong after a decision has been made. They remind me that a missed stich can unravel an entire outfit if snagged. They remind me that ultimately I am not in control. But beyond all that, they bring out the best in the garment, and remind me that everything will be fine.

 

Maybe, I was on the right track by striving to manage my reactions to life events. Ultimately, I can only be responsible for my actions. The main lesson here though, is for me to stop pretending that everything is fine when it is not. The details in the fabric may only be visible to me, but they are worth sharing with people around me who often go through the same struggles.

eed

Still chasing the sun

Confession: Marguerite, the sunflower, died. I killed her. I forgot to water her for a few days, and this is all it took for the life to wither out of her... I felt sad and guilty for not taking better care of her, but I justified it by telling myself that she is now in a better place... on a farm where all sunflowers go to die peacefully (somewhere in a big field of sunflowers in Yellow Springs, OH).

I was on a walk today, and the wind was blowing really hard. The sky was dark, my umbrella was at home and my raincoat in my car where it apparently belonged. I worried for a second and almost turned back. As much as I love a good storm, I don't like being in the middle of it... I like to be home, safe, and watch it from the comfort of my bed. I kept walking though, I kept walking by the river, knowing that each step I took, no matter how small would get me to my destination. 

The sun was hiding, but I kept walking, despite the clouds, despite the winds, despite the impending storm, despite the rain, despite my fear of getting drenched. 

The next step, not matter how small, no matter how hesitant, brought me closer to the sun, so I kept walking until my lunch break was over...

eed

Let it go- Part 2

For the past few months, I have been performing at a local improv theater on weekends. It has been a surprisingly freeing and creative outlet, and I know I need a different (and longer) post to talk about how improv has changed my life. 

Tonight, I just want to talk about one of the favorite lessons I have learned from improv: letting go.

If you know a little about long form improvisation, you know that the people on stage make up everything as they go. It is a great example of instantaneous creativity, where the brain and the heart meet in an amazing moment to create multiple scenes out of thin air. On stage, I get to become a devoted, yet abusing wife or a girl in an inappropriate relationship with her cousin. It is quite magical. I highly recommend it to any fellow introverts who think their words don't always matter.

I was in a scene this past week, and I was called to play a character I am not used to being. Again, if you know a little bit about improvisation, you know that the first rule is to say: "Yes, and.." , so that's what I did. I played the character and had a blast! It was very rewarding. Once I got home, though, I kept thinking about ALL the ways, I could have played that specific character better. If only, I had danced more, if only I had said more words, if only I had said this one extra line, if only I had not been afraid to BE the character. It bothered me all night. 

When I woke up the next day, I realized, that the moment was gone...It was too late. I could not go back to that night, and play it again... I had to let go of that moment. I had to let it go. It was a terrifying feeling. Yet, it felt empowering to realize that even though the moment was gone, I made the most of it. I played it in the moment, and it was time to let it go. It was a great reminder for me, because as I confessed in my last post, it it is hard for me to do that in my so called real life (Kudos to you if you caught this reference to one of the best TV shows from the 90's).

When I get on stage this coming weekend, it will be to create a new moment, a new character, a new version of me. And whatever happens, once the moment is over, I will have to let it go. 

eed

Let it go

No, this post is not about the movie, FROZEN, which I have no intention of watching at this point in my life. It is about literally letting go of something, either physically, spiritually or metaphorically speaking.

I have been having this recurring nightmare, where I am hanging on to the edge of a cliff. My hands are holding on so tight, that my knuckles turn clear. My body is tense, my muscles ache, and fear feels me up faster than a holy raft. In the dream, when I finally open up my eyes, all I see is a blue sky and fluffy clouds; instead of the dark storm I seem to be expecting my mind. Just when my shoulders are about to give in, my fingers finally open up and I wake up instantly with a deep sense of anxiety and clenched hands... 

I am not good at letting go. In fact, I tend to hang on so hard sometimes, that my fingers get all tensed up, and grasp for however long I can. My dad used to call me “The iron lady” (yes, as in Margaret Tacther) when I was younger. I was (and still to some degree still am to this day) the most stubborn child growing up. I just tend to hold on tight some things, feelings, and emotions. I am quick to forgive others, but rarely myself..

Today, I decided to let go. It was terrifying, overwhelming and exhilarating. I am not sure how I feel right now... It is quite the mixed the bag, but overall I feel terrified, overwhelmed, exhilarated.

I feel good. 

eed

One Minute More

"Take your time, don't take too long..."

- Capital Cities