Stagant

Growing up, I was convinced that the word stagnant was synonymous with death. Any health science instructor in a sub Saharan Africa can attest to that: "Always fear stagnant waters: they are a powerful health hazard". Stagnant waters are magnets for mosquitoes, which carry malaria, and potential death. I would know I have caught it twice.

I can still hear my 8th grade geology teacher telling us in class: "beware of stagnant waters". In the cold Ohio winter, stagnant waters can hide slippery ice and you may end up falling and hurting yourself (and your pride) if you don't pay attention. 

I have been stagnant in some areas of my life for quite some time now. There are many reasons for this, I suppose. The most obvious one being fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of rejection, fear of success.... I often tend to hesitate on the third step of the journey. The first ones are always exciting, new and full of hope. The more I keep on though, I start talking myself out of my any decisions I have made. Some people call it being cautious, other being indecisive. Your pick...

Don't get me wrong, I love to rest and be still. After I got home from work yesterday, I spent 96% of my time in my pajamas. It would have been a full 100% if I did not mind shoveling snow in them. I think what happens to me is that I start getting too comfortable in stagnant waters, and decide to hang out longer than I need to. Someone should invent a "stagnant water" test that would send you reminders, when it is time to move on.

I like to dream of what my life would be like it I were not so afraid of disturbing stagnant waters. Maybe I need to stop dreaming and get to it. I am getting tired of being stagnant. 

eed

The walk of life

On my drive to work this morning, one of the favorite songs from my childhood came on the radio: "Walk of life" by Dire Straits. Within the first few seconds of the song, I was transported to the back of my father's white Renault, on my way to school with my brother and sister. All of us were mumbling along to lyrics we did not understand, but made up a perfect translation to a then foreign language. In our young minds, the song was about a boy named Johnny, who apparently liked to walk for no apparent reason. 

Life was so simple back then. Our entire musical world was contained on two cassette tapes: the red tape and the black tape. Both tapes were in English, and since no one in my family understood the language yet,  it meant that we had to use our imaginations to translate and explain away any of the songs. It only took us a few weeks to figure out that the tapes were a compilation of different artists, and that Dire Straits had nothing to do with George Michael. I think it were I developed sort of ear of some of my favorite musicians, being able to recognize their "sounds" from the very first notes. 

My brother, sister and I (my youngest brother was still too young to go to school) created our own little world, where we did not need to understand our surroundings to know we belonged. My father always worked late, and could not pick us up from school, but the thirty minute morning ride was on the highlights of my younger days. Those two tapes, were the main reason why I was so eager to study English to share my new-found knowledge the next day. Ok, let's be honest, I was really just bragging....!

Louis Amstrong's "Wonderful world" is one of the first songs I ever memorized in English. We would serenade it to each other at the top of our lungs. It was easy, simple and beautiful. Just like these times on our way to school... My siblings and I may be in different lanes, but I am glad we are walking together on the walk of life. 

eed

What Trader Joes has taught me about life, love...and hoarding.

I walked into Trader Joes for the first time about five years ago. I tasted their infamous Goddess dressing  at a friend’s house and I knew I had to get to my hands on a bottle or three. The next day, I went in for salad dressing and almost instantly joined the TJs fan club. I recently found an old grocery list from 2008 and all it said was Goddess dressing. Ha!

Although changes in eating habits have created a wedge between me and what is still to this day my favorite dressing, I have discovered a lot about myself walking through the sometimes cramped aisles of Trader Joes.

- HOARDING: hoarding is okay, until it is not. 

There is only so much space you can stuff items in, until it becomes out of hand. I went through a phase when seaweed snacks were the best things ever invented in my world. Every time I walked into the store, I would buy at least 2 packs, until I ended up with a giant pile of seaweed snacks and no taste for them. By the time, the stack was higher than my cupboards, I had already moved on to coconut chips (yum!). I am pretty sure I have learned my lesson though… I have given away as many seaweed snacks as I could, except one, as a reminder. Sure, hoarding material things can be a comfort to some, but it took me some time to figure out that there were more important things in life, like my family and my friends.

The ONLY exception to this  is seasonal items… there may or may not be a stack of Christmas peppermint green tea in my cupboard at the time I am writing this post....

(What is this?)

- LOVE: cherish what you have, when you have it, because it may be gone in an instant. 

Sometime it is gone until the next truck comes along, other times, it is gone forever. Sure it may come back after a while and you may think that things will be the same or even better. That is until you realize that something is definitely off. That’s right, I am talking to YOU Everything crackers... I am not sure what they did to you while you were gone for so long, but the impostor on the shelves does not taste anything like you. You are nothing like the delicious cracker I tasted so long ago. Unless...unless… I am too stuck in my memories of you to realize that it is time to move on and try new things…

Speaking of!

-LIFE: move on...don’t be afraid to try new things. 

I am somewhat of a creature of habit, and this one is hard for me to stick to. For years, I walked into Trader Joes with a list of my favorite things, and bought the same items over and over. Until the day, they ran out of my favorite wine. I thought I was going to cry in the cluttered wine aisle. When a crew member tried to recommend their favorite wine, I decided to give it a shot. I hated it! Thankfully, that is kind of the point… learning to try new things. While I find comfort in knowing that tasting something I don’t like is not the end of the world, I sometimes find myself shying away from new experiences. I am getting better though, it is all a process, right?

This being a new year, and all, while I have decided to once again not have resolutions that I will break in the first three weeks; I am ready to try more things, visit different places, set new goals, and open my heart a little more.

Here is to 2014! Cheers!

eed

Risk- by Anaïs Nin

RISK

And then the day came, 
when the risk 
to remain tight
in a bud
was more painful
than the risk
it took
to Blossom

Anaïs Nin

2013

2013 was a strange year for me.... the common thread has been people, friends, family moving away. Some an hour way, others across the country.

2013 was a groundbreaking year for me... I discovered more about myself than I thought possible. I am more tenacious, courageous and steady than I thought I was.

2013 was a good year for me... I tried new things. I started writing again. I started taking improv classes. I met some amazing people in the process.

2013 was a challenging year for me... I got in a car accident, and it changed my perspective on life in more ways than I thought.

2013 was a slow year for me... I still feel stuck in some areas of my life, but I am finally started to see the reason why, which is a good first step, right?

2013 was an exciting year for me. I drove cross country to California to help my brother move. I met and hugged Minnie Mouse in Disney World. I set foot on the SNL studio set in New York city.

2013 was simply paving the way for the amazing things to come in 2014.

I already have a theme song picked out for this new season. It is called: "I lived" by One Republic.

Merry Christmas, reader, and if I do not see you until then... Have a great 2014!!!

eed

Precious scent

When I was younger, (and to this day, really...), my father used to travel a lot for work. He would be gone for days, or sometimes weeks at a time, and as a little girl I would miss him, but did not know how to express it. (Fun fact: we are not the most expressive family. I am 32 years old, and I have yet to hear my father tell me he loves me... and vice versa...).

As a teenager, his absence meant that I could break curfew with my mom either not knowing (which I highly doubt..) or pretending that she did not know what I was up to (which is the more plausible option). Either way, the sadness of his absence was replaced by the thrill of youthful adventure, and other shall we say.. "disagreements"...

One thing I could always count on every time he traveled was that he always came back bearing gifts: which always included a bottle of high end perfume from the duty free shop at the airport. Over the years, he has made some great choices for me. Perfumes my mother coveted when I was younger, perfumes that fit my personality and fashion sense in my teen years, and perfumes he felt represented my steps into adulthood. 

I was looking at my collection of bottles earlier today, and wondered what each one of them meant. Sure, the monetary value is a factor (please, don't rob me...), but the message through each bottle is more than I care to admit. I know my father loves me, but the precious scent of each bottle of perfume is a love letter to me. 

We may have our differences, our fights, our months of silence, but in the end... he loves me, and I love him.

eed

LoVE

A word of advice before you start reading this post: I am the last person you want to hear any love advice from.... for several reasons, I don't think I want to get into. (If you know me, go ahead and ask me the next time you see me!). I will try however to share what I have learned about love, from either observation/personal experience:


As a kid/teenager, my views of loves were influenced by :

1) My parents's marriage...
2) My godmother's influence on my life: who often said: "Do not EVER depend on a man for happiness"
3) Beverly Hills 90201 (yes, the original!): two words: LUKE PERRY

In my early 20's my views of love were influenced by:

1) My new found freedom away from home
2) A very cynical view of the world, and men in general
3): Melrose Place (yes, the original!): more random hook ups by people in their mid twenties

In my mid to late 20's, my views of love were influenced by:

1) My own heartbreak
2) "Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind" on repeat
3) Beyonce!

In my late 20's, my views of love were influenced by:

1) Beyonce- part 2!
2) My godmother's disconcerting/devastating words after she re-married: "When are YOU going to get married?"
3) A long time of self discovery, soul searching and reflection....

In this new decade of my life, the most beautiful image of love is best described by the look of excitement and happiness on Mama F's face when she told me that her husband had just bought her "50 lbs of sand".

And there you have it!...I tried to warn you you.... I am not the best when it comes to love...

What I DO know, is that love is more than a feeling. Love is more than a moment, more than an emotion. Love has a sustaining power that transcends time, space and flaws. It takes many forms, and often disguises itself, but it always, ALWAYS, reveals itself in action.

On this note, have a great Thanksgiving, dear reader. I am thankful for YOU, wherever you are!

eed,