Introduction (Part 1): HE loves me

My first name is Elom. In my native tongue (mina), Elom means: "HE loves me". HE being God.

My middle name is Eyram. In my native tongue, Eyram means: "HE blesses me". HE being God.

Oh, did I mention that I have FOUR first names? But, maybe the last 2 will be addressed in another post.

Back to the topic at hand, I find it interesting that my parents decided to give me these two names. It is as if, they somehow knew that these two areas would become "trouble areas" in my life. My names are constant reminders of the conscious effort I have to make to remind myself that I am loved, and that I am blessed wherever I go.   It has taken work, but I am finally starting to feel the significance of my given names.

Let's start with Elom. Over the past few years,  I have had several reasons to not love myself. Teen years: no explanation needed, early twenties: low self esteem, mid twenties: heartbreak, late twenties: recovery. The external signs of my lack of love became more visible over time through eating disorders, anxiety, depression and crippling panic attacks. It felt like an unending cycle, and I was getting resigned to living the rest of my life that way. That is until a few words by a stranger completely changed my life:

-" It is obvious that you love people and love to serve them. But, tell me, WHY don't you love yourself?"

These few words hit me hard: if you know me in real life, you know that I DO love to serve people, it is in fact one of my passions. After I went home that night, I laid in my bed and  sobbed for hours. WHY didn't I love myself? Again, there are many superficial reasons, many deep wounds, but it basically came down to one thing: I was desperately trying to protect myself even if it meant believing that I did not deserve to be loved. The walls I built around myself felt safe, but what was I really protecting myself from?

The next day, I decided that it was finally time to do something... ANYTHING. So I started playing Josh Groban's "You are loved" on repeat for days on end. True story! After that phase, I decided to physically love myself by developing healthy habits; I started eating better, and working out daily. I worked on saying "I love you" to the people in my life, and to myself. I put sticky notes around my apartment, I stopped listening to Coldplay for a while (seriously, have you paid attention to some of their lyrics?)... long story short, I  slowly and steadily started breaking down the walls around me.

I still have a while to go, I still have more lessons to learn, more tears to shed in the dead of night, but I know that as a new day starts: I AM LOVED. Do you?

Take part, 

eed,