Silence... listen

In anticipation of the  snow storm forecasters were predicting for the late part of the weekend, I decided to enjoy the 50 degree weather and head out to one of my favorite parks for an impromptu hike. It truly was a beautiful day as I started heading down one of my favorite trails. The park is located in a wooded area, making it hard to feel the sun shining but it still felt pretty warm. 

I had the perfect song selection ready on my iPod, but about half a mile in, I suddenly felt the urge to take out my ear buds and LISTEN. I typically spend about 30- 40 percent of my time with ear buds, either blocking the world out, or locking myself in (I am working on that...). It has been that way for as far as I can remember. I saved up my monthly allowance to buy my first walkman, discman, (off brand) digital player, iPod... You get the picture. 

After another mile, I found a bench, sat down and soaked in the sun, the wind and the sound. 

I sometimes forget just how much I love the sound of water, especially trickling water. I stood by the edge of the water and let the sound refresh me.

And then, a clearing. The sound changes again. Unseen birds chirping from the trees, a squirrel circling around the same spot, father and son talking about sports, my heartbeat slowly settling down.

Now that the snow storm has started, it is all quiet again. The streets are empty, my Facebook newsfeed  is overtaken by pictures of snow, the ground is covered under a blanket of pure, white snow.

Everything is quiet again... and I am ready to listen.

eed

L.O.V.E

Why do we have to make it so complicated?

eed,

The illusion

I like to think that I can do it all by myself, that I am a self sufficient, smart young woman who can do anything she sets her mind to... In this case, trying to ice skate for the first time.

The truth is, I need help to make it along and to walk it through. I need to break the illusion and start embracing the reality that leaning on one another is a part of life.

Embracing it is the best part!

eed,

Fear

Fear either fuels me or completely paralyses me. There has never really been a  middle ground... I can make excuses for each reactions, but the fact is fear is often a reason for me to remain stuck in my daily grind. For the first time though, fear has left me in the middle of excitement and nervousness. Big decisions on the horizons are making me wonder what it would be like to just take THAT step, but still have the nervous feeling.... What will it be? I guess we will find out tomorrow... 

Stay tuned!

3/15 UPDATE: Great day and great decisions were made today! 

eed

Introduction (Part 1): HE loves me

My first name is Elom. In my native tongue (mina), Elom means: "HE loves me". HE being God.

My middle name is Eyram. In my native tongue, Eyram means: "HE blesses me". HE being God.

Oh, did I mention that I have FOUR first names? But, maybe the last 2 will be addressed in another post.

Back to the topic at hand, I find it interesting that my parents decided to give me these two names. It is as if, they somehow knew that these two areas would become "trouble areas" in my life. My names are constant reminders of the conscious effort I have to make to remind myself that I am loved, and that I am blessed wherever I go.   It has taken work, but I am finally starting to feel the significance of my given names.

Let's start with Elom. Over the past few years,  I have had several reasons to not love myself. Teen years: no explanation needed, early twenties: low self esteem, mid twenties: heartbreak, late twenties: recovery. The external signs of my lack of love became more visible over time through eating disorders, anxiety, depression and crippling panic attacks. It felt like an unending cycle, and I was getting resigned to living the rest of my life that way. That is until a few words by a stranger completely changed my life:

-" It is obvious that you love people and love to serve them. But, tell me, WHY don't you love yourself?"

These few words hit me hard: if you know me in real life, you know that I DO love to serve people, it is in fact one of my passions. After I went home that night, I laid in my bed and  sobbed for hours. WHY didn't I love myself? Again, there are many superficial reasons, many deep wounds, but it basically came down to one thing: I was desperately trying to protect myself even if it meant believing that I did not deserve to be loved. The walls I built around myself felt safe, but what was I really protecting myself from?

The next day, I decided that it was finally time to do something... ANYTHING. So I started playing Josh Groban's "You are loved" on repeat for days on end. True story! After that phase, I decided to physically love myself by developing healthy habits; I started eating better, and working out daily. I worked on saying "I love you" to the people in my life, and to myself. I put sticky notes around my apartment, I stopped listening to Coldplay for a while (seriously, have you paid attention to some of their lyrics?)... long story short, I  slowly and steadily started breaking down the walls around me.

I still have a while to go, I still have more lessons to learn, more tears to shed in the dead of night, but I know that as a new day starts: I AM LOVED. Do you?

Take part, 

eed,

Blessed

"Hi, how are you?"

"I am good. How are you?"

"I am blessed."

Here is how a total stranger at the grocery store blesses my day, and takes part.

eed

Inspiration

Why a new blog? Why "Take part?". Well, there have been quite a few happenings in my life since my first post back in 2008, and I felt like 2013 would be a good place to pick up where I left off back in 2012 when I was challenged to dream BIG!

So there it is...

I have been thinking about starting a new blog for a few months now, but until tonight, I was not quite sure on how to even articulate my thoughts. I am still not sure how to articulate them, but I will discuss this topic at a later point. I went to the movies tonight, as I like to do at a local independent theater. Being single for me does not mean that I have to rally all my girlfriends to find an excuse to see a movie, even though tonight for the first time in a while I felt like it would have been nice to have someone there with me... but I digress (it did not take me long, did it?...) Anyway, I saw the movie "Quartet" with the amazingly talented Maggie Smith.

The main story is a typical story of love lost and love found, but at the core of it was the story of taking part of something bigger than oneself. Maggie Smith's character is challenged to rejoin the quartet she, her former husband and two hilarious friends were once a part of. She finds countless excuses to refuse and the viewer (i.e - ME) can easily relate to the number of countless excuses:

"I am not good enough. What if people see right through me? I am not pretty enough. I am not smart enough. I don't have many friends. I don't know how to relate. I don't know how to date anymore..."

Wait...She doesn't actually say that, but it does sound a lot like me. Anyway... After a dramatic turn of events, she decides to join the quartet! One of my favorite parts of the movie, is when her friend in an attempt to convince her simply looks at her and simply says: " Just take part". I was really glad there was no one next to me to hear or see me cry. Right then, I knew what the next chapter of my life would be about. After taking some time to heal, learn and grow, the next stage is to finally TAKE PART. Taking part of something bigger than myself, something bigger than my little puny dreams, something bigger than I can ever dream of. And guess what? I am excited! Scared? Of course I am!

Despite it all, I am finally ready to take part. So, let's do this!

Take part,

eed,

PS: Here is a preview for "Quartet". You should see it if you get a chance...