Get lost

 

 

As I grow older, I find that so many things I held as ultimate truth in my youth, are now not only relative, but sometimes completely obsolete. They said it would happen, but the prideful, slightly (OK, very!) stubborn side of me, was certain I had it all figured out by age 25.

 

As I write these words, I am trying not to fall into my recurring trap, but I really, really feel that I have FINALLY found the ultimate truth when it comes to happiness, at least mine. When it comes to my happiness, my key is to learn to live in the moment, just this one, and nothing else. I tend to be a worrier, you see. I spend so much time planning ahead and wondering about what is going to happen tomorrow, that I don't spend enough time enjoying what is right here in front of me. Granted, I am a work in progress, and as they say, the first step to recovery is accepting that you have a problem.

 

So here it is: My name is Elom, and I am worrier.

 

While on a walk at lunch a few days ago, I found myself away from all the noise of traffic, incessant construction, and found this little piece of peace. I closed my eyes, let the cold wind rush against my skin, and remembered that the small things really do matter in the moment.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Of course, I realize that this truth will very likely change a few years from now, when I realize that life  has much more to offer, or  has more challenges to place ahead of me. The beauty of it is though, that by the time I get to that place, I will be ready to learn that new lesson (at least, let's hope so...)

 

 

In the meantime, keep getting lost,

 

eed

 

  

Finished product

I love listening to podcasts. I used to make fun of my friend Annie, who used to start most of her sentences with: "I heard on this podcast...". And, here I am...

I try not to find meaning in series of trivial circumstances, but lately, almost every podcasts I have listened to center around the theme of moving forward. Don't get me wrong, life has been good lately. I have healthy relationships with amazing friends, I have found creative outlets that keep my soul fed. Yet, when I stop for a breath, I wonder if I have even walked a single step. I can't tell if I am walking in circles by accident or purpose, or if I am just missing perspective.

Earlier this evening, I went for a walk in our of my favorite parks. I have walked there many times, but it was the first time I had been back in almost six months. It had rained earlier in the day, but for some reason, I decided that I did not need to change from the sandals I was wearing from my run to the grocery store. As I tried hard to avoid puddles and slippery areas, I stumbled upon a grassy trail. I cannot remember if I'd noticed it before, but it was the most welcome sight and I spent the most amazing hour "discovering" this new path that had been there all along. I got to see the most beautiful sunset over a field of wild flowers, and runaway rabbits, and I felt peace for the first time in weeks.

Perspective often takes the form of forgotten details, and hidden trails. The next time I feel like I am running around in circles, I will take the time to look around for the unseen in my daily life, on a hike or in others.

eed

Brave

I am not much for tattoos. A deep seated fear of needles, coupled a somewhat indecisive personality are the worst combination when it comes to decide what I want to have engraved on my body. In other words, I am too fickle to get a tattoo.

A good friend of mine recently got one. I was surprised to hear her news, but after hearing her reasons, I was actually inspired to get one. She decided to write something she needed to be reminded of everyday. And she chose the word "brave". It surprised me, because I have always thought of her as one of the bravest, most determined, and dedicated person I know. It made me wonder how I see myself, as opposed to the version of myself people see.

Perception of my reality sometimes takes over any rational thoughts, and leads me to make decisions based on nothing more than poor assumptions. Of course, it takes me a while to figure out where I went wrong, and by the time I do, whatever decision I have made seems pointless. Sadly, his is the crux of over thinkers like me (are you one? I bet you are!). I tend to spend way too  much time in my own head, which should come to no surprise to those who know me. I am also known to be pretty stubborn, so once I reach a decision, I go full blast and rarely look back.

Maybe my tattoo should say: "Stop thinking so dang much". It may easier to remember once I have it carved on my body, but knowing me, it will only make it more obvious that my thought process is too buried into my subconscious to make a dent into my way of thinking. Besides, I am definitely not brave enough to sustain so much pain! In the meantime, these words will be on a post it, on my bathroom mirror.

eed

DIY- a-day: a search for a meaningful life

Sorry for the long silence, reader. Apparently, this  brutal Ohio winter has numbed both my brain, and typing skills.

 

Lately, I have felt like I am not the most contributing member of society. Or, let me rephrase that, I have felt that I am not contributing to my corner of the world. I know it may sound harsh, or self deprecating, but pragmatism while being one of my strongest qualities (at least in job interviews) will also be my downfall one day.

 

 Inspired by a dear friend and amazing artist, I recently started a new project in which I create something tangible every day. Let's get one thing straight, I am no talented artist, so I went a different route and decided to crochet one piece every night after work. Who knew that crocheting a pair of hand warmers could bring on the best sleep I have had in months?

It all started with a sense of restlessness mixed with a bad case of winter blues. My typical evening consists of changing to one of my many pairs of grey sweatpants, making up a plate of food (almost always including Black bean and quinoa chips from Trader Joes), and numb my brain with reruns on Netflix. Not a bad evening, if you ask me; the only problem is when it happened every.single.night.

I am learning a lot about myself through this seemingly simple project. I am realizing for instance, that I have a tendency to get ahead of myself too quickly. I have not touched a crochet hook in months, if not a couple of years, and after a successful first project, I decided to tackle a really difficult one, you know, just because. I failed miserably! I am not still not sure what I was trying to create, apparently a shrinking hat... Bless my poor little heart, I kept trying, but got nowhere. So, I gave up for that day and watched TV instead.

 

The thing is, just like in life, you can rarely tell what you are about to face or tackle, until you are in the middle of it. When it comes down to it, you can chose to stop and start over to try to do it right;  you can go on and create a messy, yet beautiful piece, or give up altogether. In a last stubborn effort, I picked up my crochet hook again, and used the same pattern to create a different piece this time, "Law and order" be damned!

 

 

eed

 

Bad days

We all have them. I had one today. I could not wait for today to end. I kept looking at the clock waiting for 5:30 PM, and it could not come fast enough. Supposedly, time goes by faster when you are busy. Not today...today crawled slower than a snail on its way to a French restaurant.

When 5:30 finally came, a missed voicemail reminded me of the silver lining. Good news can change the tone of the day and put a smile to your face. Trust me on this one. The voicemail was to announce a small victory, but it meant more to me. It meant the revival of a dream, the affirmation of a my voice, the renewal of my new path.

So, if you are having a bad day today, remember, you too will get a voicemail, a text, an email, a cup of coffee with a dear one... if only to remind you that tomorrow will be better.

Cheers!

eed

Changes: also known as "Details in the fabric"

This past year has been a little more eventful than I typically like, mainly because I micro manage details of my life by managing my reactions to them. External factors are unavoidable, but my reaction to them are my own. Some might call it just another version of the "positive thinking" movement, but it is a little different. I know, I know, you are probably thinking that this is a brilliant way to look at life, but there is a downside to this approach: mainly that my reactions are usually tailored to the people around me: I am an expert at pretending to be fine.

The more I convince myself that I am fine, the easier it becomes to be fine when asked. But as I mentioned earlier, this past year, things have not been too fine. My reactions to these events have constituted mostly of denial, frustration and wine consumption (which is an acceptable reaction to ANY situation). Looking back, I wonder how things would have been different if I had acted sooner. When I finally did, I was not ready for the changes that would come along with my decisions, I just knew they meant I was doing the right thing.

 

Don't get me wrong, I am not scared of changes, I am mostly scared of what they bring... there is a subtle distinction there. I like to call this distinction: "details in the fabric" after one of my favorite songs. The details in the fabric remind me of everything that could possibly go wrong after a decision has been made. They remind me that a missed stich can unravel an entire outfit if snagged. They remind me that ultimately I am not in control. But beyond all that, they bring out the best in the garment, and remind me that everything will be fine.

 

Maybe, I was on the right track by striving to manage my reactions to life events. Ultimately, I can only be responsible for my actions. The main lesson here though, is for me to stop pretending that everything is fine when it is not. The details in the fabric may only be visible to me, but they are worth sharing with people around me who often go through the same struggles.

eed

Still chasing the sun

Confession: Marguerite, the sunflower, died. I killed her. I forgot to water her for a few days, and this is all it took for the life to wither out of her... I felt sad and guilty for not taking better care of her, but I justified it by telling myself that she is now in a better place... on a farm where all sunflowers go to die peacefully (somewhere in a big field of sunflowers in Yellow Springs, OH).

I was on a walk today, and the wind was blowing really hard. The sky was dark, my umbrella was at home and my raincoat in my car where it apparently belonged. I worried for a second and almost turned back. As much as I love a good storm, I don't like being in the middle of it... I like to be home, safe, and watch it from the comfort of my bed. I kept walking though, I kept walking by the river, knowing that each step I took, no matter how small would get me to my destination. 

The sun was hiding, but I kept walking, despite the clouds, despite the winds, despite the impending storm, despite the rain, despite my fear of getting drenched. 

The next step, not matter how small, no matter how hesitant, brought me closer to the sun, so I kept walking until my lunch break was over...

eed